The world will break your heart infinite times to the end of day. And that’s guaranteed.
And I can’t begin to explain why that happens. The craziness that creeps inside me or anybody else is beyond my reasoning ability.
But I guess I have learnt one thing: never lose hope.
If we try a little harder, we all have that one shot at a silver lining. Well and that’s how life is.
Pause, pause. That’s a relevant thing I wrote up there but by any chance if you are thinking this is some crazy old shit then hold on because there’s more to come.
This is about my life or anybody else’s. To avoid any circumstantial controversies let me talk about the person that resides in me.
As I see it this person is a saint.
Well he is not the typical happy go lucky fellow. Because that happy-go –lucky term is often exaggerated and most often seen in the fancy Bollywood movies where the happy charm is inadvertently incorporated at the end to let us commoners dwell in illusion that our life is no different from that man from the movie. Pheww…I had to get that out.
So let me talk about the person that we, or to be more precise, I, can relate to.
Having born and brought up abiding to the social norms of our culture I believe I am a very genuine person willing to do good for the society, family, friends, poor, government, and what not.
But this feel good factor is only a veil to hide the atrocious behavior of our devilish nature.
So where to start? Where this I-am-so-good notion did develop in our minds
Let us see. This saintly person I am talking of loves his family, he’s got some amazing friends, he loves with passion, he is truly committed to his work, he is fun, he is adorable and to be very honest he is purely delusional. Because he is not real. Because it’s in my mind. It’s in all our minds to project the good side of our selves so that we linger in this feel good limbo.
We all believe we are saints, true to the nature of every human being who thinks they are always right because we all have that alter ego inside. And that’s where the term delusional fits in so well.
Delusional: an idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality.
So where did I go wrong? What should I term myself to be at peace with my real self? I always feel happy thinking I am doing everything alright, but am I?
I have wronged my family many a times, I have cheated my friends on numerous occasions, I have double dated with the love of my life, I have been rude, I have committed sins I can never forget so who am I??How can I be the saintly person I always think myself to be or am I plain diabolique??
Sometimes I smile wondering how some words hold such a powerful chord in the strings of our life.
Diabolique…the word means pure evil yet how beautiful it sounds.
There you go another saintly character to search for positives in the most devilish moments.
The answer lies right there if we delve a little deeper.
I am confused. I am being pragmatic and I wish to resolve the conflict within myself.
I am downright charming yet stupid, I am innocent yet have used it for my own selfish needs, I am soft spoken yet aggressive, elegant yet abrasive, ruthless yet a romantic.
To be honest it would be an uncanny battle of my own self if I go on pondering upon the true nature that I dwell in.
There is no pure saint. We all do good I agree but there lurks that irresistible urge to do evil inside each and one of us. We all have the devil inside, and I believe it has a slight edge over our instincts but hey we still live.
Following the social norms of our society, putting up a fake smile whenever we are sad, try to make someone laugh in their plight of sorrow, pull ourselves back from the dreads of failure, we win and show off cause we deserve to, every day we successfully put on the veil of good over bad, and we live and we are happy, it will always be an eternal struggle of one’s own self to do something good after numerous bads so that at the end of the day we can be at peace with ourselves. We do evil and we also do good. We all have that saint inside us which balances the ever looming devil.
I let go a mirth of laughter as I justify the first few lines of this article.’ HOPE’ it’s an extraordinary tool. We all hope that at the end of the day no matter how evil how satanic we all have been, we seek the saint inside us.
I have a few lines as I retort to peace on having come to a bemused conclusion:
“That which we are…we are…
With equal tempers and heroic hearts…
Made weak by time and fate…
But strong in will, to strive to seek to find and never to yield…”
And there you go. I came across my true self. Neither a pure saint nor a complete devil. We all have this person inside us whom we often chose to ignore, and it gives me peace to give it an acceptable name. “The Diabolique Saint”.