Life : A Poignant Smile

When the clouds of pain loom in the sky…
When a shadow of sadness flickers in the eyes…
When fear within keeps the loneliness alive…
I try and console my heart…
Why is it that you cry??
This is what life imparts…
Those deep silences within…have been handed out to all by Time…
Everyone’s story has a li’l sorrow…
Everyone’s share has a li’l sunshine…
There’s no need for water in those eyes…
Every moment can be a new life…
Why do you let them pass you by??
O heart!! Why is it that you cry??

From my jogging tracks

Lately in the Mid-October of 2011, as classes in college started to disappear away with the exhaustion of syllabus, I started to miss college deliberately to stay indoors, not because I caught pox but because I had to start studying for the upcoming pre-board exams in November, the predecessor of the not-so-dreadful board exams.

The pre-boards ended and I passed with a bit unsaturated colors because I had scored a mere 355/600. Life became bitter when parents heard these marks from my not-loyal friends. But I was confident that I could put that right but another problem lurked into my life.

I had gained 1.3 kg and my BMI grew up from 22.6 to 23.4 in 2 month’s time. I was the only one to blame for it and I decided that I will put that to right too. Mere crunching of my abdomen wouldn’t have flattened my plump tummy. Hence I added running to my routine.

- Read More -

I started off by running in a playground of fairly large size in my neighborhood where the local kids of all sizes played soccer, cricket and some oldies sat on the benches near the edges and chatted with their co-aged citizens sipping tea from the near-by Ramesh Bhai tea-stall.

In the initial days, I would run for 50-60 meters and then would stop and walk a few paces regaining breathe and perspiring heavily. Then another 30 meters and stop again. I found myself irritating and my running disgraceful owing to my lack of stamina. This continued for some days and then I brought my cell-phone to the field. I plugged in the earphone and played any random song and started running humming the tune of the song playing mentally decided ‘I won’t stop until I reach that part of the song or till that line’. It did help but after being a couch-potato for more than 2 months it was still difficult to run rhythmically for long periods.

Moreover the attention provided by 50-60 eyeballs in the field to the solitary runner was hugely embarrassing. Whenever I paused for breath, the oldies would sigh so deep as if I was India’s next Olympic marathon star and failed in my duty.

“He isn’t improving.”-I heard one oldie say to the other.

The Sachins and the Dhonis looked at me with a patronizing glare as if it was more respectful and tougher to hit a sixer than run around the field 6 rounds. About the Peles and the Maradonas, I was more than sure that they believed that I brought disgrace to their sacred and pure soccer field and was unfit enough even to be their goalie.

I set forth to search a route for me to run without being ogled by so many people. Rising early isn’t one of my good habits, so that was crossed out and I didn’t want to join a gym because it will have population. So I decided to choose the longest artificial treadmill laid down by the Govt. of India by some of my mom and dad’s taxes; the railway track that was right in the proximity of my house.

I boarded the evening 5pm train from Baripada station and traverse across to the Bhanjpur station in the other end of the town, a 2.9 kms distance. Getting down from there, I ran back to the main station. The simple process was to put your toes on every alternative sleeper in the forward direction. At each interval of 100 meters a white chunk-pillar has been erected by the Railways, so that acted as the performance scale.

Every day since the last 40 days, I board the train, take a seat with the emergency window and crane out my head to feel the fresh air, to look at the house’s rear sides facing the track, their bickering walls, the moss-covered exterior paints, the overflowing water from the tankers on the roofs of some. Somewhere a baddie court is set up and the rackets keep swinging even if the cork had been blown away due to the train’s impetus. Somewhere a level crossing, with bikes and autos constantly racing their throttle to keep the engines on, some idlers looking annoyingly at the train that caused them to get their ass out of the line and caused a gap in their gossip. Somewhere a granny with her grandson in her arms standing just to show the kiddo a glimpse of the monstrous locomotive.

 

On my way back, I find some trashed liquor bottles near the station, somewhere a dead cat or a dog and silently murmur a prayer for the peace of its soul, the idlers who mock-laugh at me, the baddie court that had been deserted for the day. The unstopping slow of traffic at the level crossing sites.

As I go on, the winter fog sets in heavily and I disappear into it like a black shadow merges into the darkness.

Alas now I have regained my BMI below 23 and my flat tummy. The exams are just 62 days away and I have to sit down to study again. Hope that I go a little fat once again and will be able to witness those walls with more moss or with a new coating of paint, the baddie court replaced by volley, the granny with the child replaced by the kiddo on his bicycle in the summers that are yet to come.

Biswas Mishra

Stand and the world stands for you

Two girls were going to the university square. Another group of three boys were walking behind them. The 2 groups were not friendly. One could easily infer that from their gestures, the girls giving the boys an evil stare after every few seconds and a loud cheer of some objective’s accomplishment, a well-audible cheer by the boys after every such stare. Clearly, they were stalking and eve-teasing.

At one point, the boys came too close to overtaking the girls then the pot-bellied rascal among them put a hand forward telling them to check their speeds, so that they remain behind the girls. What leeches? They just get stuck at anything!!!! So stuck!!!

The girls noticing that they were going to persist at their tails, stopped at a shop on the pretext of having ice cream. The boys went a bit ahead and stopped at a recharge counter. After 10 minutes, as soon as the girls passed the counter, the boys were at their back again. The cheers, stares and comments continued.

As soon as the girls reached the crowded, bustling square; one of them turned back and yelled loudly
-“why the fuck are you following us? We aren’t whores like your sisters.”
The public couldn’t believe their ears and so couldn’t the boys. Things literally came to a standstill. People crowded and then among all numbness; “SLAP SLAP!!” on the face of the pot-bellied rascal by the loud-mouthed girl.

Soon the public evacuated the girls, zeroed in on the 3 guys and what followed was a long ragging session of the guys by the local goons of the square, who usually do the same heinous act themselves.

P.S.- Never expect anybody to stand and fight for you, if you are well capable of it and unless you stand for yourself. Just begin it and see how the public joins in the killing. Nobody in India misses on an opportunity to harass or hit a guy if chance provided. And also given the current rage of people against “crimes against women”, the ragging and harassment can be very entertaining enough.
However please don’t misuse this great weapon of yours.
Be wise on where to counterattack.
Be brave.
Shed inhibitions and
Live independent.

Yours femininely
Biswas Mishra

A Vacant Mind

Sometimes He wonders If he can simply put an end to his random thoughts. Those random sentences in his head that drives him crazy even if he isn’t. Sometimes he wonders what might had happened if humans could have controlled their shackled thoughts, just grab the productive ones out, and ignore the unproductive ones. Can they? Thoughts, Inspirations, Imaginations are one of those factors that drive the society forward. To Imagine a world only of thinkers with productive thoughts, one can only Imagine a world progressing faster than any civilization with enormous amount of polymaths the Earth has ever witnessed. Imagine things next to impossible.

This is yet one of those nights, when thoughts rumble in his head. Boundless agony, frustration, annoyance that makes his mind to vomit them in form of randomly arranged letters that makes sense. For a moment his mind is a dark alley, a place covered with stinking filth everywhere. Yet they say it’s a gold mine. A mine that can produce more gold than even Midas can ever do. It is darkness. Absolute darkness. Just mumbling, some random voices shrieking out at their highest pitch to make him whine. As the walls of his consciousness trembles, he feels horrified. He fears the scared himself more. He needs to put an end to thinking, stop those sporadic thoughts. He is not bipolar, nor Schizophrenic, He can stop them, Yes! He can.

But alas! Reality shouts that he cannot.

- Read More -

Bygone are those days, when his imagination contained of a colored world, those eyes that turned bewildered every time they saw a new object. That infinite unsustainable curiosity that did drive his enthusiasm infinitely insane to know more about itself. Bygone are those days when he wondered where Rainbow begins from, or why the water doesn’t travel upwards. As the Wide oggly eyes of amazement have paralyzed themselves to perfunctory ones.  As his mind embraced the trauma of adulthood. In the midst of darkness those eyes now search for a hint of light, they need peace, they need something serene, they need an inspiration.

He is afraid that his ambitions are weak. That even with the slightest of a quake it shall destroy it like a House of cards. He wonder’s if his life shall remain as dull as it is, always. He quotes himself of Albert Camus. He believes that in the midst of winter, he shall find the invisible summer within him. He tries to keep calm, but his ruthless head doesn’t let him to do so. Tired, he throws his books to the edge of his table. Frustrated deep down, he inserts the pen to his cap with infinite precision. He wonders if he can scourge back to the past to steal his own thoughts. Thoughts that really made him happy. As all his attempts towards a silent mind goes futile with every passing second, He wants to yell, to scream and shout the ongoing thoughts in his head, to push them out of his own body like tiny droplets of sweat. Unbearable negativity, this is it.

With an indefinite number of thoughts oozing, most of them out of which he thinks does not matter even the slightest , he longs for peace. Famished and devastated he silently sinks in his bed, as he turns off the light to embrace darkness physically. The noise of the fan that keeps on rotating above his head sounds more sweet when compared to his own voice. He tries to lose himself in it. He tries again and again, as it only aggravates his situation further.

The more he yields to his unfathomable thoughts, the more ambivalent he becomes. He wonders if he is in fact in a war with the self within him. He wonders if the thoughts of vendetta against his own thoughts are justifiable. He wonders if he shall avoid them forever if he could. He just wonders, as he stares into the dark sky full of stars, with a vacant mind.

Sometimes and all times else

Sometimes I get a feeling “how much had I missed out on?”, when I moved to T.S.O.L. from St. Anne’s and came back to join M.P.S. instead of St. Anne’s, when I decided to join M.P.C. Junior College instead of K.V. or other colleges outside Baripada. I think what would have happened if I were studying engineering or medicine or doing a photojournalism course in some media institute instead of learning spectroscopy and differential equations in M.P.C. Autonomous College.

Sometimes, I envy my father’s patience, his ability. How patiently he thinks about a matter before penning down 2 lines about it. But I hate it that his patience is so temporary and short-lived, that he gets disturbed by the slightest of provocation and distraction. I envy his perennial seriousness. I envy the gravity of his writing. In contrast to his, my writing seems so momentary and cheap.

- Read More -

Sometimes I think what would have happened if I had been an off-the-hook-extrovert, if I were not single now and had a good supply of pocket money from my parents. But alas! It’s not possible. What would have been if I had been this and that? How better or how worse could have I been than my present?

At all times else, I feel whatever is happening to me is out of my control, only I’m under my control. Every decision I make has some goodness attached to it and some bad. I learned the thrill of hostel life, became responsible (to some extent) in T.S.O.L., came to M.P.S. to people who would spur me to write, joined M.P.C. junior so as to be free of rote learning, to learn some things that will stick to me forever, joined M.P.C. Autonomous so as to continue my learning on that template cause it’s so liberating. Every decision of mine does me some good even if it does more harm. Had I been in a medical college, I would have been slogging hard 16-17 hours a day (may be), where would have I found time and motivation to write crap such as these. I would probably be writing biological thesis.

Life’s momentary as my writing. It’s to be lived and enjoyed and then understood if anything remains of it after that. Now my mind is young as my age. The pieces I’m writing now may seem like absurd frivolous jokes to me years later when I have a thing gained called experience (not weight…). Maybe then I will meditate for hours gazing at the mirror or the wall before I write a word. I guess words will become obsolete then. But at least I won’t be a hypocrite as my father (as I sometimes think he is). I feel his deep meditation on the opposite wall or the ceiling fan is a hood which he uses to hide from his domestic responsibilities. And that he never finishes a piece of writing, always stopping midway and when asked for the cause, cites the disturbance of family members as the 1st one. At least I do finish my pieces be they momentary and weightless…I don’t want to be him. But I want his gravity.

I guess whatever is to happen, will happen; I can only wait. Till then, let me live, live and fucking live.

Biswas Mishra

Older Posts